Progress

And I am certain that God, who began the good work in you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns

Phil 1:6

Today is a marker-in-the-sand day. Today, this is what obedience looks like. Today, this is what choosing to deal with my fear of people’s opinions looks like. Today, this is what God’s best looks like. Today, this is what growth looks like. I’m so glad He has me on this journey. It’s hard, but the freedom is worth it!

The past couple of years have felt hard. On so many fronts, they’ve been hard: medically, from an advocacy point of view, friendship-wise and most definitely spiritually. Since my eyes were opened to the freedom that’s only found in the surrender, the healing, the comforting and the forgiveness of Jesus, I’ve been changed in the most profound way. Absolutely every time I’ve knelt before Him and asked Him to search me, He has. He is so faithful to show me things that are stopping me accessing His best for me. He’s taken me back to the wounds that have caused so much deep damage and resulted in faulty coping mechanisms and belief in lies about myself and about my Father. He’s enabling me evermore often to take thoughts captive and seek their origin and deal with them accordingly. And I know all of this is a life-long journey and the fact that it’s in relationship with God is what makes it possible.

It’s by no means a doom and gloom journey, either! The joy of the freedom on the other side of discovery and healing is amazing! And I’ve learned so much about the kindness and gentleness of His Spirit that it no longer has me bound up in fear over what He might show me next. And every time, I’m amazed by the way in which things transpire….the timely text message, the appropriate devotional, the exactly perfect Bible passage, the unplanned phone call or person I just happen to bump into. And whilst the timing often wouldn’t be mine, I can see His hands all over it and it suddenly becomes clear that any other time would have been the wrong time.

For the first time in a very long time, I’ve had a passion burning in me. I thought I’d lost the ability to feel that way about anything. I know this is so much more than a feeling. If nothing else, Covid has proved that! When you are prevented from doing the thing which your heart burns with desire to do and yet the passion to be able to do it again one day remains unscathed, I know it’s not of my making.

But that doesn’t prevent it being hard. To be doing the in-the-dark, soul-searching, healing, painful work in the unseen, whilst not being able to live out your passion is hard. I know I will ultimately have a closer relationship with God and be more effective in the ministries that He’s called me to and the passions He’s given me as a result of allowing Him to do this work in me. But it’s still hard.

A number of weeks ago, I was talking with someone and I said how, in all of the hard, it had been a long time since I felt God’s smile. She challenged me and asked me what that would look like. As I processed this, I realised that all of my answers to this looked like things working out the way I wanted them to. Not only did this make me realise that I had an unhealthy (and unBiblical) view of obedience and reward, but I also realised that I’d made it impossible to see God’s smile in the midst of the hard. It was all tied up in light and bright and joyful things. I’d begun to believe that the goodness of God could only be seen in things that felt good.

Shortly before this conversation, I’d been invited by our Worship Director to lead worship for our online church. My initial reaction was a resounding “no”! I have not been called to be a worship leader. I am called to be a worshipper and a vocalist, but not a worship leader. I agreed to pray about it. When I did, I felt God inviting me to lead and, in doing so, being very specific about how He wanted me to do that. I’ll be honest: the idea terrified me! This is not something I have any natural gifting in and I hate public speaking and being visible on a stage at the best of times! I felt He was calling me to obedience and trusting Him with the how and the why. It was not comfortable. It was yet another hard thing and the spiritual attack in the run up took me by surprise.

Cut to the end of the story: I did it! These are the photos to prove it! The actual recording of it ended up being such a complete time of blessing. It’s been 6 months since I was able to worship corporately outside of my home and slightly longer than that since I was last part of the worship band. And the ability to worship felt like such a gift. Yes, I still felt sick at leading and being recorded and getting it wrong and, and, and…! But the joy and the freedom of worshipping was immense. And I had the best band, who were so encouraging and generous with my attempts. It felt like a safe place to be being vulnerable.

The next few days, I dealt with doubt and fear all over again as to how it would be received, what it would sound like, whether I’d done what God had asked. When I fell at His feet and asked, He so clearly said He was pleased with my obedience and that I’d done my part; the rest was up to Him. 

And so, Sunday morning came and I had no idea how I was actually going to feel and whether it was even possible to be lead into worship by yourself on a screen! As I heard myself on the recording, all I could feel was joy. That moment represented so much growth and ground hard fought for, so many tears and moments of surrender. So much hard. The “me” of two years ago would and could never had done what I did on Sunday. And it suddenly felt important to mark it. Not as my achievement, but as God’s. As a measure of so much healing and restoration and kindness and comfort and love. 

As I thought through the significance of the moment, I was struck by two things. Firstly, I didn’t need or want anyone’s approval of what I’d done. Father had already told me that I’d done what He asked. Secondly, whilst this was something that I’d found incredibly hard, in it I felt His smile! And that was huge! And so it felt necessary to put a marker in the sand to show just how far He’s brought me and that it doesn’t need to not be hard to be able to feel His smile! Because I KNOW that He’s the God who never changes and so if He’s done this once, He can do it again. And if He can do it for me, He can do it for everyone else. His smile is as present in the hard, as it is in the things that feel good. He is so faithful and so kind and the warmth of His smile encourages me into more, whatever that “more” might look like.

Each of you must pick up one stone and carry it out on your shoulder…we will use these stones to build a memorial. In the future, your children will ask you, “What do these stones mean?” Then you can tell them,”They remind us that the Jordan Rover stopped flowing when the Ark of the Lord’s Covenant went across.” These stones will stand as a memorial among the people of Israel forever.

Joshua 4:5-7