Learning in Lockdown

“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.”

2 Cor 1:4

I have never wanted to be a teacher. Ok, maybe I did briefly when I was little…but once I realised the amount of patience it took, it dropped off my list of desirable careers pretty fast! So when the talk of needing to homeschool during this time of lockdown came up, I was surprised that the idea of it exited me. I think, having faced the very real possibility just a year ago that homeschool might be our reality with Zach, I’d done much of the hard work in accepting the idea. I’d also started to do some research and there was some great material. I’d found quite a few ways I could be teaching both children at their appropriate level through the same activities which were engaging and fun. We visited the library, just in case, and took out lots of books…me included! We decided we’d have reading hour every day where we each were able to go to a different room in the house and indulge in a book. I had art projects planned. It was suddenly something I was looking forward to.

Fast forward: the day before schools closed their doors, Zach’s school issued their expectations and requirements. A full, regular timetable day every day. With work submitted online at the end of each class. I watched my hopeful bubble burst. His need for 1-2-1 in the classroom would not be lessened by being at home. How could I do that whilst still maintaining a fun curriculum for Miri? Suddenly the thing I had looked forward to had become a source of dread.

The reality of it was actually worse than the expectation. The intensity of the whole situation was immense. I was still getting up at my normal time and spending time with God. And I was hearing Him speak and encourage. On the first day, both Danny and I felt that homeschool should start with family devotions. With Zach going out of the door so early every morning for school, this is not something we’ve ever done. But it felt right and we were all enjoying doing them. But as soon as the school day started, I didn’t get chance to even breathe until the kids were in bed. 

Liaising with teachers over inaccessible work, differentiations that were required, clarifications, deadlines, tests…marking Miri’s work, making lunches and dinners, keeping on top of emails, supporting people who were desperate for support and not coping, trying to do fun things with Miri…oh, and having an abscess under my tooth when dentists are not allowed to see patients! It was more than I could bear.

And I kept seeing friends talking about the fun they were having, both in homeschool activities and in just playing and not bothering about school. Then seeing people talk about how bored they were. Or people enjoying digging into God’s Word or books that were growing their relationship with God. I was hating every second of the situation I was in and felt powerless. I was missing out on all the good stuff and was only left with negatives.

Then I listened to a 5 minute video made by a most wise and Godly lady I am privileged to call my friend. She was talking about grief. I watched because grief is reality for so many people with what is going on in the world during this lockdown. I did not expect to see myself in what she spoke about. Her teaching turned on a lightbulb for me: what I was experiencing was grief! And it was multi-fasceted. I was grieving what should have been happening, were lockdown not a requirement. There were plans that God had ordained for ministry that I had been excited for and looked forward to for a long time. These plans were now cancelled. I was hugely disappointed. I’d spent so long not having a dream. Then when God lit a fire in my heart for this ministry and overcame so many obstacles for me to be involved, I was delighted by the thought of it. That disappointment was grief. It was loss.

I was also grieving what lockdown was supposed to look like and what other peoples still appeared to look like…the fun family time and the relaxed approach to schooling which was not a choice I had been given…and I was feeling something akin to resentment. That resentment was loss.

To my mind, I had no right to feel those things. Other people were going through “real” loss and grief. Mine was petty. Other people would love to be in the position we were in. All of my years of rationalising my hurts provided me with plenty of ammunition as to why my feelings weren’t valid. But, in one short video, my friend put voice to my feelings and showed me that allowing them airtime is important. I felt seen. I felt validated. And I felt hope. What I was feeling suddenly had a name and it’s name was grief.

These past 7 months, God has had me on a journey with grief and my feelings in general. It started when He woke me in the night and impressed on my heart that I needed to grieve. I was in a place of great blessing and fellowship and love. Grieving made no sense – what would I grieve? I sought the wise counsel of a new friend and I spent time seeking God over it. In a very powerful encounter, He showed me what I hadn’t grieved. I felt I’d done what He’d asked. But over the next few months, it became clear this was a bigger learning in my life that needed to take place.

I learned that there were a lot of people in my life who I had forgiven for the way they had hurt me….but I’d never received comfort for my hurt and I’d never grieved the losses that had resulted. This had led to bitterness and resentment that I had no idea was even there until He showed me. He encouraged me to speak these hurts out and, every time I did, I was met with comfort and compassion. Never once was I treated like I had no right to feel hurt about those things. My scales for weighing whether hurts were valid were being dismantled piece by piece. I was learning to feel without being overrun by my feelings and without minimising them.

My learning in lockdown is a continuation of that journey but in real-time. These are real-time hurts and losses that I was minimising and rationalising. A word in season from my friend gently corrected me and gave me permission to feel, validated my feelings. But also gave me permission to stop the hurt and the disappointment becoming resentment and bitterness. I hesitantly spoke my hurts to a friend and I was met with love and comfort. The darkness which surrounded my situation – the hopelessness and the overwhelm of it – lifted. Exposing my grief and my hurt to the Light overcame the darkness and allowed hope to seep in. My situation had not changed one bit. But I had changed.

More about the “control” part later. For now, whatever grief and loss you are feeling, however invalid you might feel it is, reach out to someone. Speak it out and acknowledge it for what it is. Shine some Light and stop it taking root as bitterness and resentment and anger.